I always assumed that complete liberation (being in the enlightened state) would be like the happy end of a fairy tale:
And I/we lived happily ever after. No more worries, fears, confusion and all of that. I thought I would exit the matrix and completely “transcend” all of that.
And in some ways that is very true. In others not so much.
Let’s say it like this. In this very moment I feel a level of confusion I have never felt before. It feels like an existential one. Like I am just completely losing every sense of direction.
And yet I know deep in my heart, that all is so perfectly well. And this knowingness never changes. It is always present. Always here.
These two states co-exist in my present reality. They are both right here right now in this very moment. And I am waking up more and more to the fact that both of these states are equally divine. They both are absolute. A mirror of perfection.
In the knowingness of absolute perfection – all resistance dies away. All preference dies away.
I remember a few months ago I would so much more prefer the enlightened state (god-state, I AM, being source etc.) over just “feeling normal” like a person in a body. When a trigger pulled me out of the god-state state I would get super dedicated to surrender back into it. There was a distinction in myself between being god and being a person that I could experience very clearly.
But as my journey into the Self keeps on deepening this separation does in many ways not make sense to me anymore. Who would be the one having a preference of a state of being anyway?
In this moment I can’t even perceive them as different anymore. It is all source, all God. All equally beautiful and divine. I enjoy no mind. I enjoy mind. I love escaping creation – I love being playful in it.
The absolute blew me wide open. And seeing absolute perfection in everything that is arising is equally mindblowing. I cannot prefer one over the other.
Deep surrender and faith into the truth of what we are liberates me fully and confuses my mind completely.
I have not been posting a whole lot lately.
Mainly because of this confusion that has been going on inside of me from the beginning of this year.
Life at the moment feels like walking on this very narrow path. If I am centered I find myself in the most absolute freedom I can imagine. It is beyond beautiful. It is an openness to life and an openness to the beyond. It is an openness to all that is. In every moment.
My arms are wide open – with no sense of or necessity for direction.
This is where it gets tricky. Tricky for the personal mind.
There is nothing to hold on to anymore. The personal mind is quite fearful about that. And I see how that is totally understandable. If your main quest in life is to constantly create an identity and answer the question Who am I but suddenly there is no answer available anymore – you are screwed!
The last year had me let go of basically everything I called my life: My relationship, Inspiration for my work (as a Life-Coach), most of my belongings, a permanent home…
And I did not mind. I knew this is what I wanted. It felt liberating. It felt true.
What remained was the dedication and devotion to my spiritual path. My strong desire for freedom. I wanted to realize the self. That was all I cared for.
What happens now in myself seems to be a complete letting go of that spiritual identity. The last thing I have to let go of is being a spiritual seeker. Seeking – the last instrument of control. The last idea the mind can get a grip on.
I see a lot of people around me that are somehow sick of spirituality. It is beautiful. At last we exit the “container” that allowed us to embark on this journey in the first place. I love it. One of these perfectly arranged paradoxes.
Being spiritual does not mean to be liberated.
There is so many ideas and concepts in spirituality that – for me – became like the truth itself. And my being is in the process of freeing itself from that. Spirituality is not the truth. A concept never is the truth. What I am writing here is not the truth.
Once you come to know the truth beyond mind the only reasonable thing to do is destructing the very path that got you to where you are now. I feel a great pull to be stepping out of everything that was related to that. Dropping all my teachers, all my groups, all my plans – at least for a while.
To me that feels very aligned, true and liberating in this moment. But it also leaves me with NOTHING. (Now you are not even this awesome spiritual awake being anymore :-))
You are exactly where you started. The circle is completed.
It is a delicate venture. Can you sense the thin line that separates absolute liberation from complete confusion?
Coming to Amsterdam I thought my spiritual career was really gonna kick off (haha). I thought I knew exactly what awake leadership looks like. Well guess what – turns out, I was in for a big surprise!
Life keeps on doing that, so it seems. Once you think you really know something it turns out to be something else.
And this surprise I did not see coming AT ALL.
Turns out awake leadership does not look like anything. You won’t recognize many of awake leaders by what they are doing necessarily.
I also thought what “becoming 5th dimensional” looks like. Turns out I don’t know that either.
What a relieve!
Turns out I know only what it feels like. Feels like complete surrender. Feels like dropping all the spiritual nonsense. Feels like it can take on any form. I don’t have a preference. Feels like at this point I don’t have any clue. And it feels like I will just go and do where and what life wants me too.
I feel so certain. I feel extremely lost.
I had many ideas for the title of this blog post.
Ending the spiritual journey was one of them.
The art of completely giving up another one.
Also in the Top 5 was How life makes you humble. Or just something with the word humble in it.
I love this word. humble. Even if you did not know what it means, to me just the sound captures the soft and surrendered essence of the word.
This is what I whitness happening in me: Everything starts to be equal again. Equally valid. Equally beautiful. Equally divine.
I can see myself working in a Café. Hiking through France. Moving back to my hometown. Doing nothing at all. Proceeding my Coaching Business in some way, doing something completely new – something I never did before…
And as I can see myself in everything. Everything I see becomes enlightened. As I meet people on the street I see them eye to eye. As one. As absolute.
I know that this planet will evolve in absolute perfection (into the next phase/dimension/whatever you want to call it). And I know that divinity will move every player in elegance and grace. And I also know that my mind has no idea how it is being played out.
So in the meantime I ask myself what I want to experience and explore in this lifetime? I am free. You are free. So free. So free.
What I know is that I want to stand in my truth no matter what I do. I want to be as consciousness in the most normal and ordinary ways. I want to be consciousness in the most epic and extravagant ways. I want to be as consciousness and I don’t mind what that looks like.
God. I give up. I give in. Use me in whatever way you choose.
I want to give up any separation between the old and the new world. 3rd, 4th, 5th, … density. Being of service or not being of service?! All of that does not make sense to my being at this very moment. In the complete surrender to what we truly are these ideas all melt away. And an openness to all of live shines forth.
I want to be moved by the divine and I give up any and all control of what that might look like.
I want to have fun while I am exploring this lifetime on earth.
I want to bring consciousness alive – dropping all labels and keeping it very simple.
Because life is simple.
I love you all Madlen